Birthday Read online

  ‘It provided work,’ Avril reasonably suggested, ‘and saved a lot of dole money.’

  A pool of sunlight flowed into the car, and Arthur put the visor down. ‘In them days there was always work. It was just a shame Jenny’s husband took a job at that iron foundry. The best luck he ever had was when he married Jenny, even though she already had another bloke’s kid.’

  ‘A lot of men wouldn’t have taken it on,’ Avril said.

  Arthur flicked the visor back when cloud hit the sun. ‘Yeh, but she made up for it a million times.’

  TWO

  After the early days of being in love Brian hadn’t seen Jenny for fifteen years, until a letter came from Nottingham to say his father was dying. He’d seen little of the old man in the previous decade, during which the binding of love and detestation had turned into tolerated indifference. Still, his imminent death meant something, as he stood on the platform thinking it strange that he always had to search for the station exit, never an automatic walk up the steps and across the booking hall onto the street, as if the roots of his instinct were cut on the day he left.

  From the crowd around the train his name was spoken clearly enough to startle, and for a few moments he wondered what this half familiar face had to do with him. The express would leave in a few minutes. ‘Hello! Don’t you know me?’ As if the likelihood of his not doing so would devastate her, though the distress in her features wasn’t due to his changed appearance. ‘It’s me, Jenny.’

  The more he looked the less altered was she from the girl he had known. He supposed he had mumbled the right words: ‘What are you doing here? Why are you getting on the train? Are you here to meet someone? Or are you going to the seaside?’ He must have said something like all those things, his smile covering the love and curiosity he should have felt, her signals indicating a catastrophe he lacked the nobility of soul to comprehend, and in any case the past they shared was far too far away to be of any help. Eyes filmed by heartache, she held back tears, as if trying to say something with a silence to which he could not respond since he had no silence of his own to give, his heart a ball of string that would need a lifetime to disentangle because he had become another person, and so had she.

  Without luggage, she looked too unhappy to be travelling for pleasure. He noted the usual kind of blouse, and one coat button done up unevenly as if she had put it on in a state of shock. ‘I’m going to the hospital in Sheffield.’

  Train doors clacked like rifle shots, shouts and whistles normal to him but a grief to her who only wanted to be on her way. He tried to remember whether she had relations in Sheffield. ‘What are you going there for?’

  ‘My husband’s had an accident in the foundry where he works.’ She gave a mad woman’s smile. ‘I’ve got to run, though, or I’ll miss my train.’

  ‘I’m sorry. Is he badly hurt?’

  ‘I don’t know. They telephoned the corner shop. But I’m sure he must be.’

  ‘Perhaps it’s not as bad as you think.’ He held her warm and vibrant hand while wanting only to get away, yet they were drawn close for a kiss, as if it might reduce the bad news. She wasn’t altogether there, but who would be? He hoped she would remember the meeting as he pulled open a door the guard had just closed, to make sure she wasn’t left behind, being already with her husband as the train went into the tunnel of its own smoke.

  He had cut so many people out of his life in order to make a different world for himself, couldn’t connect any more to a woman whose husband had been smashed up in a foundry. The death of his father seemed a formality by comparison. He found the exit easily, as if instinct had come back at the sight of her, marvelling at the chance meeting while walking up the steps.

  George, paralysed from the waist down, had to be cared for night and day, lifted and carried, taken and fetched, wiped and fed and humoured and honoured, and no doubt loved, Jenny’s subtly harassed expression the most she would allow herself to show. She did everything, and would have done more had it been demanded or possible. She could have fled – others had been known to – left him in a hospital or convalescent home on the coast, but abandoning your husband wasn’t what you did when he’d stood by you until the time of the accident. In any case, you had sworn to care for each other until one or the other died.

  He was never surprised when his brothers’ thoughts ran on the same lines as his own, often so close as those between husbands and wives. ‘By the time George had his accident he and Jenny already had seven kids,’ Arthur said, ‘so maybe it was just as well he did, or he might have given her half a dozen more.’

  Brian’s laugh took him away from the tragic aspect of Jenny on the station platform. ‘I should be glad I didn’t stay with her then. I might have had the same number pulling at my turn-ups.’

  ‘She would have dragged a rabbity bastard like you on every night,’ Arthur said, ‘and in your dinner hour as well, if there’d been no canteen where you worked.’

  If he’d got her pregnant he would still have escaped, because the dynamo of curiosity had been busy in him from birth. His departure was both as if swimming out of a vat of treacle, and wandering away like a somnambulist, hard to know which because too far back and they hadn’t been logged at the time. Circumstances had carried him, and those situations met with as if to make him pay for his new life had their own compensations. Being novelties, they were an anodyne against what loss was left behind.

  Another question was that if he’d asked Jenny to marry him she might have laughed in his face, because no person can avoid what the future has in store, though you may not know it (he’d certainly had no suspicion) giving the illusion that freedom of choice is possible for everyone. Having a baby already by another man, she had no option but to marry George, whether she loved him or not. George didn’t know how much of a bargain he’d got until her devotion became vital for his existence, though in the years and decades of his catastrophic misfortune he was to wish he had never set eyes on her, thinking it would have been better if the falling block of iron had killed him outright. He certainly never imagined in those early days that under Jenny’s care he would live more than thirty years.

  George had been called up in 1940, and taken prisoner at Tobruk in Libya. He’d already lived forever on coming home from Germany in the long belly of a Halifax bomber. A young soldier in his early twenties, he queued to be measured for his demob suit, a thin man after three years’ imprisonment, hoping to find a country more to his liking than the one he had left and, if not, at least to get the job of his choice.

  He was promised work as a van driver, but couldn’t start for a month – a long time at that age – so he walked into a nearby iron foundry and was set on straightaway. The job was more strenuous, and altogether satisfying in putting him among the sort of blokes he had fought with in the army. You had to be alert in such an occupation, but as long as you looked out for yourself and for others, and if others looked out for themselves and for you, life seemed less dangerous than driving a van.

  The chain slipped: no time or place to run, a million lights turning brighter and brighter at his scream. Even if you weren’t killed the number chalked on the side of the iron was plainer than on any shell fragments around Tobruk. One of his mates who called at the hospital said he could have been as badly injured driving a van, but George knew there was something more final about a fall of iron in the dismal light than there could be from any crump of tin in the street. He had got unblemished from the battlefield, had survived the boat trip across the Mediterranean, not to mention the journey by cattle truck to Germany – and now this.

  A new house was provided out of the compensation, and appliances installed to make staying alive the slowest form of torment, though as easy as possible for Jenny. There was nothing more they could want, but wanting for nothing at such a price was no bargain to George. He couldn’t believe it. ‘Me! Why me?’ he said a million times, to himself but to Jenny as well often enough. ‘I’d have been better off wounded as a sol
dier. There’d be some pride in that. But in a foundry! That’s what I can’t understand.’

  The more quickly his thoughts returned to the point from which they had set out, without having made him wiser or more content, the darker his anguish became and went on for months before he reconciled himself to the fact that any good reason for being on earth had been taken away. The short change of mental torture turned up no meaning to his fate, and the nightmare was that he would live as a cripple for the rest of his life.

  Jenny’s skin blistered with tears as she sat by him. She loved him. Everything would be all right. At least he was still alive. But so deep was her misery that she sometimes thought how good it would be if they could be struck dead together.

  Walking through a bookshop to get a present of coloured pencils for Eunice’s birthday she saw something on the table with Tobruk in the title. During the week it occupied George he wasn’t in such despair, so from then on she took everything from the library connected with that place during the war, so that he could relive his days and stop regretting he hadn’t died in the foundry.

  His experience of artillery and machine guns helped his expertise with a wheelchair and orthopaedic bed. When a telephone was installed he smiled that it was like having his own headquarters in a dugout, able to call up friends and family whenever he liked. She suspected that he never left off secretly wanting to die, but knew it was a comfort for him to go even further back in time before he met her, and live again in the world of Tobruk. Dangerous though it had been, he’d at least had the use of his limbs.

  Brian first saw George when he’d been twenty-five years in a wheelchair. His mother persuaded him to call: ‘Sometimes Jenny comes and sits with me. If I’d been in her place I’d have gone mad now, but she always asks after you, so it would be nice if you’d pop in and say hello.’

  Sunlight through the gaps of a high-clouded day gave amplitude to the spirit. He slowed along the tree-lined dual carriageway, reading each street sign so as not to overshoot the drive on which Jenny’s house stood. He found a dwelling anyone should be happy to live in, the roof as if someone got up to scrub it every morning, windows as clean as if without glass, nothing too old to be unpointed or shabby, immaculate paintwork on doors and window frames, the house behind an area of sloping well cut lawn.

  When setting out on his travels he hadn’t wanted to live in either the cosy but decrepit houses of Basford Crossing nor a place like this, but he was happy for Jenny that she had such a pristine house. He had thought only of getting away, even if to be a homeless figure stricken by rain and bitten into by the cold, for whom any house would be paradise.

  To be well fed and shod, to be out of the rain and have clothes on his back, was all he needed. A one-roomed dwelling in the middle of a wood had figured in his childhood dreams, but by craving the romantic he had achieved far more. A house like Jenny’s had seemed an unattainable luxury, but as soon as he had money enough to get one he despised it. The fee for a single script could buy a dozen huts in a wood, as well as the wood and surrounding fields.

  Believing that this life was the only one, that there was no God to help you (and he was intellectually incapable of believing He was other than dead and buried) meant that safety and contentment didn’t exist, an ever-likely and interesting state in which there was no class, nation, or religion to capture his allegiance or give comfort. If you allowed yourself to conceive of immortality you were no longer free.

  An inane Strauss jingle brought her to the door. ‘Brian Seaton!’

  The emphasis on his surname hid her pleasure. Well, he couldn’t be sure about that, but he enjoyed hearing she would know him anywhere, though it didn’t bring back the old shine in her eyes. He should have telephoned first, but wanted to surprise her. In London you never called on anyone without warning, but he had acted as if Jenny was inferior, or out of familiarity, in his usual off-hand way, an attitude which over the years had become a habit. I suppose that’s how they live in London, she might tell herself, just dropping in without any notice at all. Even in the old days she often hadn’t known he’d be where he said he would be.

  ‘Your mam phoned, to tell me you were on your way.’

  ‘And here I am. It’s good to see you again.’ He made up a script about a man knocking at the wrong door, then starting a conversation with the woman who answered. She asked him in for a cup of tea, which led to a new life for them that neither had thought possible when they had got out of bed that morning, but which made sense when it happened. The change in their existences was so passionate that when they went away together the relationship turned into a disaster.

  He had made no such mistake with Jenny, for she had known all about him, gave him that special weighing up which now showed much of the old self in her features. Her shorter hair was a mix of grey and dark, curling around the head instead of a long and vigorous band of black, making the face seem smaller, fragile and more vulnerable. She was pale, almost sallow, lines scored for a woman in her fifties, perhaps more so than on women of similar age he met in London who hadn’t been through half as much. She was slim and middling in height from what he used to think of as tallish and more robust, though she could hardly be shapely after having had seven kids. ‘I was passing, and thought I’d call.’

  ‘I’m glad you have. Come on in.’

  Everything you did was wrong, even more so when you thought well and long before doing it, but she seemed happy at him standing before her, the only sign a tremble of hands as he followed her in. ‘An old friend’s come to see us.’

  George had been forewarned perhaps, so as to hide the importance of what they had been to each other, though he didn’t see why she should be diffident about it. George must have known of her life before they met, since she’d had a kid already, but the hint that they had been more than acquaintances made Brian smile. Maybe she thought that the old adolescent intensity might even now flame up between them. At least the lifetime of suffering under George’s misfortune hadn’t broken her.

  They entered the brightly lit living room. ‘Brian’s an old friend. He used to know mam and dad.’

  Large windows showed a well trimmed garden, an umbrageous laurel tree in the far corner beyond a newly creosoted tool shed. In the room blue and white plaster birds were fixed in attitudes of purposeful flight along the wall opposite the fireplace, on the wing to a place George might well mull on in his despairing hours, glazed eyes following the direction of their long necks. With such wings, and being heavier than air, they would fly neither far nor easily, kept from a real sky by the ceiling.

  He looked away as they came into the room, the open book face down, on knees kept together by his all-tech wheelchair. A palish glow on his face suggested that movement was hard labour, as if eternally sitting with the useless lower part of himself sapped his energy, took far more of his attention than in the days when he had walked with his shovel from mould to mould around the foundry thinking of the ale he would put down in the pub after knocking-off time.

  The shine of his intensely blue eyes, out of a broad face in which the bones were nevertheless visible, hinted that the accident happened last month instead of twenty-five years ago. His expression was of living by the minute, as if things hadn’t changed nor time moved from the moment he had come out of the hospital. Nothing to look forward to, and little enough to think back on the longer his incapacity lasted, kept him separate and aloof, king of each moment on his wheelchair throne, only able to reign since he could no longer hope.

  The furnishings of a three-piece suite on the thick piled carpets gave a temporary aspect to the room, as if George hoped to be moving out in the next week or two. Maybe Jenny had created it that way out of a restless nature now that she too was imprisoned.

  The floral pattern of wallpaper was broken by pictures and framed photographs of children on a climbing frame, a youth straddling a motorbike, two young wide-smiling girls in Goose Fair hats. He was never alone with so many children and grandchild
ren, a living theatre to vicariously take part in. He sometimes stared at the photographs as if he hardly knew the people in them, though he did right enough, because who else was there for such as him to acknowledge?

  His blue shirt was open at the neck, grey hairs below the throat, pudgy white veined hands resting on a tartan blanket covering his withered knees. Order had been arranged around him by Jenny, as much for her benefit as his, because without the routine of a twenty-four hour job such a life would have been insupportable. She had to make sure he was fed, get him into and out of bed, wash him and dress him and see to his toilet requirements, knowing it would go on into old age, never a thought of giving in, of saying it was too much, that it was breaking her back and would one day burst her heart. Maybe she wanted to shout: ‘For God’s sake take him to a nursing home, this is killing me, I can no longer cope,’ but she’d never say it because George was king, and she the country he ruled over, a pact which enabled her to go on living.

  He took Brian’s hand between cool fingers as if the rite was foreign but he wanted to pass the test nevertheless. ‘She’s told me about you a time or two.’

  He wondered what she had said, though anything would be of interest to George, for whom the past, no matter how far off, was only yesterday. The face-down paperback on the arm of his chair was about the siege of Tobruk. ‘Are you reading that?’

  His smile indicated eternal worry, self-pity the desert of his affliction, sandstorms depriving him of visibility on long passages through and back and through again. When able to rest from the irritation he was amazed that the small distance had taken such gruelling effort, which showed on the part of his mouth to which the smile was hinged. ‘I was there, once upon a time.’